Why Has America Been Raising Dust About Twerking?!

Twerkers

So this Miley Cyrus girl finally realized that playing the sweet little Hannah Montana babe wasn’t earning her as much attention as she felt she needed. So, she went ahead and pulled a Justin Bieber- she became “bad”. She came up with this new personality- the “twerkster”!! And the whole of America went woah!! All of a sudden, twerking became a very new thing to Americans. The rest of the world did what we’ve always done- followed America!! But we, the less impressed, were asking ourselves, “What’s everybody making so much noise about?! What’s so new?”

If by now you don’t know what the hell we’re talking about (twerking), then I’m really sorry- there’s no perfect verbal definition of the dance. It’s something you need to see, not hear about. Words just don’t cut it right. The best I can do is to refer you to the picture above. Please don’t refer to Miley Cyrus’ version to try and comprehend what twerking is, because hers is a very mediocre version of the dance.

Sue me, bite me; call me all sorts of names you want, but there’s seriously nothing new Miley has to show, especially to Africans and Jamaicans. When I realized the world was upside down because a girl had twerked (something I found perfectly normal), I thought I probably misunderstood the whole thing; that I missed something. So, to avoid being left behind, I spent nights in front of the TV set to try and see what exactly it was that Miley Cyrus was doing. I was terribly disappointed. Miley, wherever you are, you are seriously paying for those nights.(I no longer catch the Airtel’s free MBs every morning because of you. And don’t ask me what the hell Airtel is; just pay). Looking at Miley Cyrus push her two small models of butts (we have the real deal in Africa; yours are just mere representations) around and try to be erotic felt like watching a homemade semi-professional video of a young teenage girl trying to show us she had an evil side. It still makes me sick, by the way.

Save for the fact that the dance was given a new name, there is absolutely nothing new about that twerk dance. It’s been here forever. In Africa, twerking has been here way before Americans were watching Diff’rent Strokes and The Jeffersons on Cable TV. As a matter of fact, in Ivory Coast, the dance, which was known as Mapouka, was banned by the government itself because of its “sexually suggestive” art. And coming back home, the likes of Miley need to see the Baganda and Basoga do their folk dances. Or worse still, let them come and see the Bagisu do their Kadodi dance during circumcision rituals- there’s the worst twerking anyone can ever imagine. It’s epic. And we’ve been doing this way before Michael Jackson brought his moonwalk!! So no disrespect to the die-hard Miley fans, but we’re overrating her and the Nicki Minaj bunch. They’re doing nothing so special.

Jamaicans are another level ahead in the dance. These dance-freak girls have been effortlessly twerking in our faces and on our screens for ages. Chaka Demus, Pliers and Shabba Ranks had girls gyrating their behinds in a manner five times crazier than the bu-girls in contemporary hip-hop videos. And with Jamaica, it has only gotten worse with time. Konshens and his generation of singers have a whole new breed of dancers that twerk on their feet, hands, backs, bellies, heads….it’s just super-duper sick!!

So, before Miley and friends come on stage and make a fuss of their “twerk”, let their Personal Assistants and managers get them some footage from Africa and Jamaica- they’ll shut the hell up!! Our 10-year-old girls do crazier stuff than those amateur butt-pushes they’re showing off on MTV. Or better still, let them catch a flight to Kingston and see for themselves.

Just so we’re clear here, Miley,twerking boosted your profile, true- among Americans (and Africans that think they’re American). But if you hold a concert here or in Jamaica and introduce yourself as “that twerking babe”, they’ll laugh hard. If you try to prove your point, trust me, they’ll throw you off-stage and send you packing.

We’ve learnt a lot of new stuff from America, from crunk, the dougie, to jerking. We’re also thankful for the likes of Benjamin Franklin and Steve Jobbs. But if you think twerking is also something new you’re showing the world, please- save yourselves the embarrassment. It’s a mere replication of something that’s always been around and does not deserve the dust you are raising.

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